Paperclips and Underpants: What You Already Knew, But Never Realized

Posted: March 10, 2013 in Essays

No one ever talks about just how different paper clips and underpants are from each other. It’s time to break the silence.

Paperclips are long, thin rods of metal shaped into a form (a clip) that can hold several sheets of paper. Underpants on the other hand, are terrible at keeping your papers together. They do not offer nearly enough grip; papers will just fall right out. This is a very important fact to remember if you keep your underwear drawer next to an office or other work area where papers may need to be clipped. Not only would it be ineffective to pass in your English essay with a pair of boxers, but most likely, very embarrassing too.

Similarly, paperclips can never hope to serve the same purpose as underpants. Underpants are meant to add another layer of warmth and protection for your “below the belt” region. They prevent chafing and, should the worst happen and your pants fall off (or are forced off by a delinquent whose parent’s didn’t hug enough), protect your dignity.

Paperclips cannot do any of these things. They are impossible to fit your legs through, so they cannot be worn. Even if they could, they lack the elastic qualities of underpants and would greatly restrict movement. They are far too slender to protect the dignity of even the most unfortunate “pants-ee”. If anything, keeping paperclips in that area would at best cause discomfort, at worst, bleeding, scraping, puncture wounds, tetanus and castration. This is important to remember in case you find yourself naked in an office supplies store; try to keep the presence of mind to realize that you’d be far better off raiding the employee lockers.

Paperclips have the unique quality of being able to be linked together easily to form a weak chain. This chain can be used to create jewelry and belts, a lasso, keep together your two nun chuck sticks, escape from prison, transfer an electric current, create a crown and declare yourself king or queen of all office supplies, and much more. Underpants can be tied together and in theory could help your escape from prison, but that would just be silly. Underpants should not be worn outwardly like jewelry is unless you possess super strength, can fly, or have heat vision. This is important to remember in case you find yourself killing time in an office; just link together paperclips! Don’t take off everyone’s underpants and tie them together. You’d find yourself at a loss for what to do next, which does not justify the effort you just went through to get the underpants in the first place.

While underpants are stretchy and elastic, paperclips are hard but malleable; underpants will always snap back into their original form, but paperclips can be bent to create many different shapes that can serve many different purposes. The unwound paperclip can be used to reset a wireless router, torture your enemies, teach mice how to throw javelins and pole vault, or pick a lock. This last fact is important to remember in case you need to break into a room to get more underpants.

Underpants are sold individually or in packs of up to maybe twenty. If anyone tries to sell you an individual paperclip, punch him in the face because that’s just messed up. Paperclips are sold in bulk. They are great in case you have some money to blow and want like, eight billion of something.

While there are many more ways that underpants and paperclips are dissimilar, this should have instilled you with enough knowledge to discern between the two on your own. And in case this essay was actually useful to you, may God have mercy on your soul.

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